October is ADHD Awareness Month, an opportunity to build understanding, challenge misconceptions and recognise the many ways ADHD can shape the lives of children and their families. For kinship and foster parents, understanding ADHD can be especially important when it sits alongside experiences of trauma, grief and disrupted relationships. So, let’s talk about the missing shoes, the big feelings, the exhausting days and, most importantly, how we can better understand the child behind the behaviour, with a little humour, plenty of compassion and less blame.

If you’re raising a child with ADHD, you may sometimes wonder whether you’re parenting a child, negotiating with a small tornado, or starring in a reality television show called Where on Earth Did You Put That? You’re not alone.

Kinship and foster carers often find themselves navigating ADHD alongside the effects of early trauma, disrupted relationships, grief, loss and experiences that no child should have had to endure. It’s a lot to hold. Some days, you might feel like a patient, compassionate adult. Other days, you might be hiding in the laundry with a cup of tea, wondering whether anyone would notice if you moved to a remote island. They would. The child would probably find you within six minutes.

Here’s something worth remembering: ADHD is not a character flaw, a sign of bad parenting, or proof that a child doesn’t care and the behaviours that leave you questioning everything you thought you knew about raising children aren’t necessarily deliberate, either. You ask your child to put their shoes on. They look directly at you, nod, and wander off to investigate whether the dog has developed a new relationship with the garden hose.

Ten minutes later, the shoes remain exactly where they were. Your child is wearing one sock, holding a biscuit and explaining an elaborate theory about dinosaurs.

Infuriating? Possibly. Deliberate defiance? Not necessarily.

ADHD can affect attention, working memory, impulse control and the ability to organise and move through everyday tasks. A child may genuinely hear your instructions but lose them somewhere between the kitchen and the hallway. It can help to think less about “Why won’t you listen?” and more about “What might make this easier for your brain?”

One instruction at a time. Visual reminders. Predictable routines. A little humour and perhaps shoes that live in exactly the same place every day, rather than migrating around the house like a family of particularly adventurous snails. The aim isn’t to lower expectations. It’s to make success possible.

When ADHD meets a history of trauma

For children in kinship and foster care, the picture can be more complicated. Some children with ADHD have also experienced abuse, neglect, family violence, disrupted relationships or repeated changes in caregivers. Others may have experienced trauma without having ADHD and some experience both. The behaviours can sometimes look remarkably similar.

A child who appears distracted might be struggling to concentrate, responding to stress, or finding it difficult to feel safe. A child who reacts explosively to a small disappointment might be struggling with impulse control, carrying accumulated stress, or experiencing both.

We can’t determine the cause simply by looking at behaviour. Nor should we assume that every difficulty is caused by trauma, or that an ADHD diagnosis explains everything. Curiosity is more useful than certainty.

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with you?”, try asking yourself, “What’s happening for you, and what might you need from me right now?”

That question doesn’t mean accepting hurtful behaviour or abandoning boundaries. It means responding in ways that protect the child, preserve their dignity and help them develop the skills they need. Connection before correction is not about having no rules. It’s about making sure the relationship survives the hard moments.

The emotional gymnastics of parenting

Parenting a child with ADHD can be a wonderful, exhausting and occasionally bewildering adventure. One minute, you’re marvelling at their creativity, humour or wonderfully unexpected way of seeing the world. The next, you’re trying to work out why getting dressed has become a major international incident.

You can adore a child and still find their behaviour difficult. You can understand that they struggle with emotional regulation and still feel your own emotions reaching boiling point. You can know all the right things to do and find yourself doing none of them when it’s 8:15 am, nobody can find their shoes, and you’ve already repeated yourself fourteen times. That doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you human.

For kinship and foster parents, the emotional load can be even heavier. You may be navigating complicated family relationships, divided loyalties, uncertainty about the future and a child’s experiences of trauma, grief and loss, all while trying to create the safety, stability and connection they need. Sometimes, you’re managing your own feelings while helping a child manage theirs. That is no small feat.

You don’t have to be endlessly patient to be a good caregiver. What matters is being willing to keep learning, seeking support and repairing the relationship when things go wrong. And remember, looking after yourself is part of looking after a child. Take a break when you can, accept help without feeling guilty, and find someone who understands when you need to say, “I love this child more than anything, but today has been a LOT.”

You’re allowed to laugh, feel frustrated and need a moment to yourself. Compassion for the child and compassion for yourself belong together. Seek support before you’re running on empty, share the load where possible, and make room for rest, laughter and relationships beyond the demands of caregiving.

You won’t get every moment right. None of us does. What matters is coming back, reconnecting and showing the child that relationships can weather difficult moments. Sometimes, the most important thing you can do is take a deep breath, apologise when you need to, and begin again.

What actually helps?

There is no magic parenting technique that makes ADHD disappear. If someone offers you one, check whether they also have a bridge to sell.

But a few principles can make a real difference:

• Make the invisible visible. Use routines, pictures, checklists and reminders rather than expecting a child to hold everything in their head.
• Catch the good stuff. Notice effort, persistence, kindness and small steps forward. Children need to know they’re more than the things they get wrong.
• Keep boundaries calm and predictable. Clear expectations and proportionate consequences are often more helpful than escalating battles
• Help them regulate before expecting them to reason. When a child is overwhelmed, a lecture about better choices is unlikely to be your most successful TED Talk
• Work with the child, not just on the child. Listen to what helps them concentrate, what overwhelms them and what they want adults to understand.
• Build your team. Seek appropriate assessment and support from health professionals, schools and care teams. Medication may help some children, alongside environmental adjustments, practical strategies and other supports tailored to their needs.

Also, remember progress rarely follows a straight line. Sometimes a breakthrough looks like a child asking for help before everything falls apart. Sometimes it looks like getting both shoes on before leaving the house. Celebrate both.

The child is more than the diagnosis Perhaps the most important thing to remember is this: a child with ADHD is not a problem to be solved. They are a person to be understood, supported and loved.

They may need more help with organisation, more support to manage big feelings, and more opportunities to practise skills other children seem to acquire effortlessly. They may need adults who can see beyond the behaviour to the child underneath it.

For children in kinship and foster care, that consistent, understanding adult can be especially important. Someone who doesn’t give up when things get difficult. Someone who can hold a boundary without withdrawing affection. Someone who sees potential even on the days when the school has called twice and the kitchen looks as though a small natural disaster has occurred.

You won’t always get it right. You’ll lose patience, repeat yourself and occasionally wonder whether anyone in the house has ever heard the word laundry.

The goal isn’t to become a perfect caregiver. It’s to become a safe, dependable adult who keeps learning, keeps repairing and keeps showing up.

Because with ADHD, as with kinship and foster parenting, a sense of humour isn’t a substitute for support. But sometimes, it’s what helps us find the strength to keep going.