Talking about consent: a kinship carer’s experience
Jul 2025
Written by Shantelle H Masha Mikola
Talking about consent with children and young people isn’t always easy. These conversations can feel personal and complex. They’re shaped by our past experiences, our values and beliefs, and how we understand boundaries, relationships, body autonomy, intimacy and sex.
They ask us to show up with openness, curiosity and care. This is true for all children and young people, but it is especially important in conversations with children and young people in out-of-home care where trust in others has been disrupted.
Many children and young people in out-of-home care have had their personal boundaries transgressed and violated by those meant to care for and protect them.
For kinship carers, the journey to becoming a carer is often complex too, emotionally and practically. With so many daily demands, talking about consent may not always feel urgent. But creating space for these conversations matters. It supports safety, voice and confidence over time.
For our new online course When Yes Means YES for kinship carers, we spoke to a range of kinship carers. This story shares Shantell’s experience.
Shantelle commenced as a kinship carer when she was just 23 years of age, taking on the care of an infant, who is now six years old. Shantelle has had her own personal experiences of living in both foster and kinship care growing up and has reflected over time about the intergenerational trauma facing many families, including her own.
We were honoured to have Shantelle participate as a kinship carer in the development of our When Yes Means YES course for kinship carers. Her voice is integral to the online course and video resources that form part of the self-paced course, helping other kinship carers navigate consent conversations with children and young people in their care.
We chatted to Shantelle about why these conversations are needed, and why they are so important, as well as about her experiences of consent conversations with her child.
Q: Shantelle, how do you approach consent conversation with the child/young person in your care?
Consent is something that I approach as a lifelong, ongoing conversation opposed to a one-time talk. With my nephew, I have always focused on building his understanding of bodily autonomy from a young age. In our house, it starts with small but significant things like asking before giving hugs, allowing him to say ‘no’, and explaining why it’s okay to change your mind. I make sure consent is modelled in every day interactions and reinforced with clear, age-appropriate language. While consent is of course about keeping him safe, for us it’s also important that we are empowering him to be someone who helps keep others safe. I want him to understand that the choices he makes, whether it’s how he plays with others, respects someone’s “no” or navigates friendships, that he has the power to protect and respect those around him too. I know what it feels like to have your voice and agency taken away in care, I’m intentional about making sure he feels safe, and in control of his own bodies and choices wherever possible.
Q: In what ways do you feel that you need to consider trauma experiences of the young person/child when talking about consent?
Children and young people in kinship care may often come from experiences of disruption, grief, or violation of trust and safety. I think it’s therefore important to advocate for a clear picture of the child’s history and experiences so that as kinship carers we can be incredibly mindful of that when talking about consent. It can become hard to avoid language that may be triggering or feel like a demand when we are not appropriately informed. What I can do is stay attuned to body language and emotional responses. I don’t force conversations when he is dysregulated or feeling unsafe, but I wait for moments when connection is strong, and he feels grounded. It’s also about understanding that for a child with trauma, consent might have been historically ignored or taken from them, so It’s about slowly rebuilding that sense of agency through trust, safety and consistency.
Q: How do you navigate discussions about online consent and safety?
Digital safety is something we are still trying to navigate in our household. My nephew in my care is only six years old and has a very monitored use of technology, however it is the way of the future and as caregivers we need to accept that it will be part of our children’s future, if not already. We have had ongoing conversations around who he share’s things with, what information is private (and yes there is a difference between secrets and private over here) and what to do if something doesn’t feel right. I try not to approach it from a fear based or punitive lens, but rather from empowerment, helping him to build the confidence in saying no, recognising unsafe situations, and knowing that I’m someone he can come to without fear of punishment. I also monitor his access and stay involved, but I frame that as part of my role in keeping him safe, not controlling him, at the moment it’s working for us.
Q: What are, in your opinion, the three most important things to consider when having conversations about consent with children and young people in kinship care?
- Safety and trust come first. Children and young people in kinship care might not feel safe, might not have ever felt safe and as a result do not feel safe talking openly at first. It’s critical to establish a foundation of emotional safety and consistent care before diving into big conversations.
- Consent is not just physical or about sex – It applies to emotional safety, choices and voice, helping children understand that consent applies to friendships, family, school, everywhere is vital in building their sense of power.
- Lived experience shapes the way they hear things, lived experiences also shapes the way we as carers approach these conversations – Every child’s trauma story is different. Our job is to tailor conversations based on their developmental stage and trauma history and not push our own or anyone else’s timeline. Patience, empathy and flexibility is key. Knowledge is power. These conversations can be really tricky and sometimes retraumatising for carers to be having so we need to look after ourselves in these moments to seek support when needed and don’t be afraid to have your mind changed.
