Recently I listened to the Brené Brown podcast Unlocking Us episode from 20^th March 2024, where she spoke with Esther Perel on the new “AI” – Artificial Intimacy. There were so many ‘aha’ moments and pearls of wisdom, that I think you should add it to your list and listen to it yourself if you haven’t already.

As I listened, I thought of the work I have been doing on a project to support carers creating deep safety with teens. Brené and Esther’s discussion on creating connection in increasingly disconnected environments left me holding on to two important points:

Joint attention as deep safety

Firstly, of the many profound things that Esther spoke about, one was about the Still Face experiment developed by Dr Ed Tronik, which highlights the impact on a baby when connection with the primary attachment figure is broken. Esther related this experiment to not paying proper attention to someone, describing it as like “ghosting them in real life”. There are many occasions through a busy day or evening when this might occur, particularly in an age in which both adults and teens are so occupied with screens and mobile phones. The idea of being aware of and paying full attention to someone which assists with them feeling seen and valued seems like such a key concept in maintaining connection with teenagers and creating this sense of deep safety.

The Australian Childhood Foundation has a resource called Realising Deep Safety for Children who have Experienced Abuse: What really is Therapeutic Work with Traumatised Children and Young People? written by Joe Tucci, Janise Mitchell, and Angela Weller. In this paper there are some wonderful examples of activities to promote relational safety with children that are “joint experiences of play that combine sensory, narrative, and metaphorical dimensions”.

However, finding ways to promote that same safety with the developmental age of adolescence can be quite difficult for parents, particularly foster parents. It left me wondering how then, to experience joint attention and therefore that deep safety of being understood and loved with teens?

Reconnecting a frayed thread

The answer may lie in the podcast’s second idea that stood out to me: the need for “bids of connection during conflict”. Brené and Esther discussed these offers to reconnect as “a way that you maintain the connection when the thread is frayed”. This powerful image of holding on by a thread, trying to keep the connection with a teenager even when they are pushing you away, is something that often comes up in the work with carers and adolescents.

Kim Golding’s work on “Connection before Correction” follows through on this idea, that children and young people with trauma need “parenting that focuses on helping the children to regulate their emotional experience through the emotional connection between parent and child before attention is given to the behaviour”. This focus on the relationship being fundamental, even when needing to discipline (which from Latin means “to teach”!), strongly aligns with the idea that we need find ways to continue offering connection, whether in conflict or not.

So how can we do this? The Raising Children Network’s page on staying connected with pre-teens and teenagers talks about both casual and planned connections. Staying connected through both everyday interactions as well as scheduled times together shows interest in them, demonstrating you are available to provide them your full attention in the moment – avoiding the sense of “ghosting them in real life” discussed by Esther Perel.

Some ideas for these everyday interactions include taking an interest in what they are watching, making them a hot drink (whilst also asking them to bring out their dirty dishes from their room!), asking them to teach you how to play their favourite video game, allowing a space for connection with music they’re listening to, letting them teach you about the latest TikTok / Instagram / social media trends, encouraging their friends into your spaces together, or picking them up after an activity (nothing like a drive in the car to promote connection and maybe even some conversation with a teen)!

Why not discuss this with other carers/colleagues? If you would like to send any ideas through for inclusion in the resource we are developing, please email me.

References:

Golding, K. S. (2015). Connection Before Correction: Supporting Parents to Meet the Challenges of Parenting Children who have been Traumatised within their Early Parenting Environments. Children Australia, 40(02), 152–159.

Tucci, J., Weller, A., & Mitchell, J. (2020). Realising Deep Safety for Children who have Experienced Abuse: What really is Therapeutic Work with Traumatised Children and Young People?  Australian Childhood Foundation.

Brown, B. (Host). (2024, March 20). Esther Perel on New AI – Artificial Intimacy [Audio podcast episode]. In Unlocking Us. Vox Media. https://brenebrown.com/podcast/new-ai-artificial-intimacy/

Raising Children Network. (2021, November 29). Staying connected with pre-teens and teenagers. https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/communicating-relationships/family-relationships/staying-connected-you-your-teen