10 tips for talking consent with kids in care
Aug 2024
Written by Eliana Sinicropi
Definitions of consent vary across contexts and countries, but increasingly we conceptualise consent as “affirmative consent”. However, regardless of growing legislative agreement, conceptual definitions of consent cannot capture the complex and nuanced experiences of young people, especially those in out-of-home care.
What is Affirmative Consent?
One might think that the rules for consent would be simple; “yes means yes” and “no means no”. However, the reality is that “there are tonnes of things” that make consent confusing – “inexperience, desire, power dynamics, poor communication skills, shyness, embarrassment and more” (Stynes & Kang, 2019).
Sexual consent is an internal feeling that can be communicated in a variety of ways – directly or indirectly, verbally or nonverbally. Sexual consent is also contextual; it can differ depending on gender, relationship status, alcohol intoxication, and type of sexual behaviour.
Under affirmative consent, each participant has a responsibility to ensure that the other person is consenting to the sexual act. Affirmative consent is understanding consent as even more than just “yes means yes”, as a mutual, free and voluntary agreement and something that needs to be explicitly communicated, either verbally or non-verbally.
Affirmative consent is never assumed. Affirmative consent is enthusiastic, voluntary and conscious.
Talking consent with young people in out-of-home care
We know that sometimes young people with adverse childhood experiences, such as abuse, violence and neglect, may struggle to understand, form, and maintain healthy relationships. This trauma may have a lasting impact and can lead to challenges forming attachments, with fear of abandonment, or difficulty expressing emotions. They have often had their trust broken in close relationships and may struggle to develop trusting relationships with caregivers and their peers.
Young people in out-of-home care need flexible and nuanced approaches in how issues of sex, consent, and safety are being addressed. These young people are likely to have had more complicated experiences surrounding consent and safety than the general population. Children and young people in out-of-home care, especially those in residential care, are at higher risk of experiencing prolonged and ongoing abuse, including sexual abuse, and sexual or dating violence.
Current sexual education models, including renewed definitions of affirmative consent, do not provide sufficient tools to address the layered experiences of children and young people in out-of home care. Additionally, many young people may have missed out on this critical education, due to disengagement from education or multiple school moves.
Young people in out-of-home care often experience multiple placements, disrupting their caregiver relationships. As a result, young people in out-of-home care may have missed conversations – small and big – to readjust assumptions, correct misinformation, or provide details about the laws and their rights in relation to consent.
For young people in out-of-home care, physical safety is often prioritised over relational safety. However, achieving caring, trusting, and positive relationships between foster carers and young people is crucial to sexual education. Yet, there is a lack of professional support in training carers to respond to traumatised children and young people.
Ten tips for talking trauma-informed consent
Discussing consent and sexual health with young people can be complicated and awkward. Here are a few tips to start and foster conversations with young people.
- Start Early
Begin conversations about consent at a young age if possible and continue building on this knowledge as they grow and develop. - Use Age-Appropriate Language
Tailor your language and explanations to the young person’s age and maturity level, ensuring they can grasp the concepts being discussed. Check they understand during and post conversation. - Listen Actively
Encourage Open communication by actively listening to the young person’s questions, concerns, and thoughts. Make them feel heard and valued. - Use Real Life Scenarios
Discuss concrete scenarios or examples that are relatable to their everyday lives to illustrate the importance of consent in different situations. However, it’s important to not ask young people to share information that they are not ready to discuss, which may include traumatic experiences from their past. Using scenarios about friends’ experiences can help remove the directness of conversations. - Discuss Boundaries
Emphasise that setting and respecting personal boundaries is a fundamental aspect of consent and affirmative sexual consent. Encourage them to voice their own boundaries and respect others’ boundaries about both sexual and non-sexual activities and relationships. - No Pressure
Emphasise that no one should ever feel pressured or obligated to do something they are not comfortable with, whether physical, emotional, or otherwise, in person or online. - Empower Them
Encourage assertive communication about boundaries and preferences. Let them know it’s okay to say “no” and that their feelings are valid. Support them around any fears or worries about rejection. - Media and Pop Culture
Discuss how media and pop culture portray relationships and consent. Help them critically analyse media messages and differentiate between fiction and reality. Use movies or commercials to support your messages. - Role Modelling
Be a positive role model for consent in your own interactions, conversations and relationships. - Define Affirmative Consent Clearly
Clearly explain what affirmative sexual consent means. Emphasise the following principles of affirmative consent: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific (F.R.I.E.S).
Young people with adverse childhood experiences deserve to initiate and participate in healthy relationships. A relationship-based, trauma informed approach to sex education, and collaboration between schools, carers and young people is key in working towards positive outcomes for young people in out-of-home care.
References
Stynes, Y., & Kang, M. (2019). Welcome to consent. Hardie Grant Children’s Publishing.
